Lukashenka And His Little Bench

Take a break, have a seat.

Lukashenka never appears empty-handed in public: he always carries a small bench with him. Of course, it is skillfully disguised by a bulletproof vest, but it is easy to see. As soon as Lukashenka approaches a group of people making decisions in world politics (no matter whether they are villains or luminaries of democracy), he immediately takes the bench out from under his bulletproof vest and quickly sits down on it.

Of course, he was not invited, but he sits next to them, at their feet, as if he was just passing by and stopped to rest: can I sit here for a bit? And then, after sitting quietly for those around him to get used to his presence, he immediately begins to act like the owner of the house, who himself invited all these people, opened the doors for them and allowed them to be present. He bustles about, starts serving drinks, then tells how he gathered world leaders, and at the first call they boarded planes and rushed towards happiness. Then, of course, they thanked him with all their hearts.

Remember how the “Normandy Four” came to Minsk in 2015? Lukashenka knew perfectly well that in these negotiations he was not a participant or a mediator, but simply the owner of a free hut where important people could meet and talk on neutral territory without prying ears. He gave the keys and, logically, should have quietly sat in the back room. And at first he sat as expected — on a bench. But then, when the “four” left, there was talk — like in a post-war village about the Germans. Merkel, Lukashenka said, sincerely thanked him for feeding her. The poor starving East German woman would never have had her fill if she hadn't come to Minsk, and now she will forever remember her breadwinner with potato pancakes, scrambled eggs and borscht (Lukashenka even described the menu in detail so that no one would doubt his historical role).

For him, Volodymyr Zelensky was first “Volodya”, then — after a full-scale invasion — he became a “scoundrel” and a “nit”. It seems like his people, on a friendly footing, drank together a hundred times and went to pubs, have the right to call each other Volodya, Shurka, or a nit. The US President, accordingly, is simply Donald, although Lukashenka hasn't even sat on a bench with him in power — he didn't reach it. But just in case, he told the American blogger: tell Donald that I invite them all to Minsk, and they'll come to an agreement here.

Yesterday Lukashenka flew to Moscow with his benchie to see another Volodya — supposedly not a scoundrel. He is the only one who really allows him to sit next to him. Perhaps because he himself is already running around the bunker with a bench and, apart from Lukashenka, only talks to mirrors. That is why he allows him — not to serve potato pancakes and compote, not to hand over the keys to the apartment for a secret rendezvous, but to sit and talk. So Lukashenka speaks. He says that the US has no plan to end the war, and they are simply “testing the waters.” (Listeners should probably think that Trump called him yesterday and complained: I have no plan of what to do, tell me while I test the waters.) He firmly promises that within a few days the Kursk region will be liberated from Ukrainian troops. (At this point, the audience should assume that he is the one who commands the Russian army, because Volodya, who is not a scoundrel, asked for it.) He giggles at Ursula von der Leyen, who has never seen a normal pistol, let alone a missile. (In his opinion, the audience should probably think that he also discussed this with Donald or Volodya on the phone: those stupid women, what are they trying to do?) He assures those interested that the West will not help Ukraine, and that it will soon return to Russia and Belarus, straight into their open arms. (And here, probably, everyone should understand that literally the day before, Western leaders had checked in with Lukashenka with a full list of reports in all the right ways and said that they would definitely not help Ukraine anymore. And Zelensky, of course, called after midnight and promised to fax an application for admission to the union state.)

But the audience does not give in, it does not think at all about whether there is some subtext in Lukashenka's words or what he meant at all. The audience looks exclusively at physiology: shortness of breath? Difficulty speaking? Confusion? Great news! By the way, there is a place to use the bench: when Lukashenka comes to the parade in Moscow, he will not be able, like last time, to walk twenty meters across Red Square, but he will not have to humiliate himself again and ask Putin for a cart. He will get the bench — and sit right on the square to rest (choose whatever meaning of the last word your heart desires).

Iryna Khalip, exclusively for Charter97.org

You can support the website Charter97.org

MULTI-CURRENCY ACCOUNT FOR ASSISTANCE:

Bank's name: Bank Millennium S.A.
Address: ul. Stanislawa Zaryna, 2A, 02-593, Warszawa
IBAN: PL97116022020000000216711123
SWIFT: BIGBPLPW
Name of the account holder: Fundacja “KARTA ‘97”
Purpose/title of payment: Donation for statuary aims

You can contact us by the e-mail [email protected]